I am writing this blog to share insights with others and contribute what I believe are meaningful tips on growth and development, especially as it relates to improving one’s self. We are all on a journey through life—one that will ultimately lead us to increased fulfillment and purpose or one that leads to frustration and disappointment.
So far on my blog, I have focused on the “I” in personal development. How can I improve myself? How can I grow? How can I become more confident, skilled, and purposeful?
These are all incredibly important questions but today I want to focus on an aspect of personal development that goes beyond the “I.” Current culture has become very “me” oriented, and not always in a good way. It is all too easy to get caught up in a “me mentality” where everything is centered around self. While it is very important to cultivate one’s self, it can also be easy to become so focused on this cultivation that the cultivation of other relationships can be overlooked.
Focusing on improvement of ourselves will improve the relationships around us, but sometimes we need to focus specifically on our other relationships as well. One of the best reasons to push ourselves to grow is for the benefit of the important relationships in our lives.
Over the past few days, I have skimmed through a few books that focus on marriage and relationships. Having a 13-month-old (and another baby coming in less than three weeks) leaves far less time for my husband and me to really connect like we used to. We have very different interests and support each other in the pursuit of those interests, but we also have always enjoyed spending a lot of time together. Even if we were just at home and not doing the same thing, we were usually in the same room together—say, him watching football and me reading a book next to him.
These days it often feels like we are a relay team, handing our son off to each other at different intervals so the other can get something done. While I’m making dinner, he is in charge of getting the baby’s food ready and feeding him; when he gets work calls in the late afternoon, I take our son and follow him as he walks all over the house, talking in his own adorable language. When I clean the kitchen after dinner, my husband takes him to the living room to play with toys; when he needs to mow the lawn or clean the pool or fix a leak in the sprinkler system, I hang out with him inside or take him on a walk.
The point is, we don’t have much quality time together. And I know that is normal with a baby. When our daughter comes along soon, we will have even less time together because we will be juggling two babies under two.
After skimming through those two books—this was in the quiet moments after my son has gone to bed and I actually have a few minutes of free time—I realized that lately I have been focusing most of the free moments I have toward my blog and my own personal development and very little on my relationship.
And what’s worse is that while I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from my husband these past few weeks, I’ve been blaming him. Rather than take responsibility for my role in our relationship, rather than look at what I was—or wasn’t—doing, I fell into a victim mentality and looked at what he wasn’t doing for me.
And what I focused on was really quite petty. For example, I felt upset that after our son went to bed, he would begin working on his personal projects and hobbies rather than express a specific desire to spend time with me. This was especially petty because at the same time he was working on his projects, I have been devoting a lot of time to writing and editing blog posts and learning about how to become a better blogger through videos, courses, and books. In other words, I was upset at him for not specifically asking to spend time with me when I wasn’t specifically asking to spend time with him either.
We both need time to pursue our interests and I have never had a problem with that, but the problem was that while I was feeling a bit neglected and lonely, I didn’t voice this to him and didn’t communicate in a healthy way. Instead, I let my frustration build up and then one night last week, I made a few snarky comments about how his behavior was hurting my feelings.
After a few nights of this, I realized how unfair I was being (and as much as I’d like to blame it all on my pregnancy hormones I know I can’t because that would be making excuses) and we were able to talk things out. I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and we were able to make some minor tweaks that have made me feel more connected again.
In the last few nights, we have worked on our projects in the same room so we can still talk as we work and just enjoy hanging out together.
I have also stopped expecting him to read my mind. If I want to do something—to watch a movie together or just sit and talk—I speak up. I tell him what I want.
I have always been lucky in that my husband enjoys doing things with me; we have always liked spending a lot of time together, and we probably do more things together (even before we had kids) than many couples. Some friends I know are much more independent in their marriages and do most activities separate, and that is okay too, but this works for us.
It’s funny that we sometimes get so focused on one area of our lives that we neglect other areas. This is normal, but that is why it is so important to clarify our biggest priorities. Working on my own personal development is a priority for me, not only for myself but because it is the main focus of my blog. But nurturing my personal relationships is also a priority for me. The problem is that sometimes we let other things get in the way of this priority because we take our closest relationships for granted.
Relationships are work sometimes. They take communication, vulnerability, and patience. But when we prioritize them, when we prioritize the people we love the most, it is always worth it. Strengthening our relationships with those in our inner circle–especially our spouse–is one of the best investments we could ever make!
