Author: Mandy

My husband and I had a fight earlier today. While I won’t go into the details of the argument, at the crux of it was the fact that we both felt misunderstood. We had a brief discussion about it a few minutes later and I was once again reminded that listening is such an important–and sometimes, difficult–skill to master. This can be especially true with the people closest to us because we get into patterns with our loved ones and just tend to expect them to know what we are thinking or feeling.

What started this fight is that I was talking about an issue I felt quite passionate about. When my husband took a different stance, I pushed back harder and he pushed back harder in turn. He thought I was being aggressive and I thought he was being defensive. He thought my statements were sweeping and unfair and I thought he was unwilling to see the issue in a realistic light.

If I step back from the whole thing now, a whopping three hours later, I can see where I came across rather harsh and unfair. I still stand by the point I was trying to get across, but I realize that my language and tone actually diminished the point of the message because that was all my husband could focus on after the first minute or two of me speaking. In fact, when the heat of the moment passed and I explained my position calmly, we found common ground.

It is very hard to take our emotions out of a discussion. We are emotional creatures and emotions naturally exist within nearly all of our interactions. The problem is really not our emotions but how we let them control us, perhaps. In the fight with my husband, I got emotional and I also forgot to acknowledge the reality that he might not be receiving the message in the way I intended to give it.

The takeaway for me today is that it is incredibly important to listen, and it is also important to remember that others might perceive what we say different than how we mean it. One way to improve communication and relationships is to be slow to speak and quick to listen, and that is a skill I want to always be improving.

Over the past few years, I’ve read quite a few books and listened to a lot of videos and podcasts about success. It is inspiring–and sometimes intimidating when I think about it in the context of my own personal ambitions. At times it feels like I could never measure up to all of the great accomplishments of those I listen to and read about. And yet, yesterday the thought occurred to me that maybe I don’t want to be like everyone else.

I think it is so important for all of us to have dreams and goals. We all have the ability to create purpose for our lives and it is so much more fulfilling when we spend time working on things that contribute to the world in some way.

But I do think it can be easy to get caught up in this idea that for our work to matter, it has to be big, perhaps really big. That means a writer feeling like they won’t be successful until they hit the New York Times bestseller list. That means a business owner feeling like they won’t be successful until they have five stores rather than three. That means an entrepreneur feeling like they won’t be successful until they are making two million a year rather than the four hundred thousand a year they are currently making.

Again, I think it is awesome we can all dream and create unique goals. I also think when you hit a goal, it is wonderful to set new ones.

I do think it is also okay to have what some would qualify as small dreams. I think it is important to embrace it if your goal is to find your dream job as a mechanic, or if your goal is to stay at home and raise your children, or if your goal is to be a part-time nurse, part-time YouTuber. The list of goals and dreams are endless, but not everyone desires to become famous or I-can-buy-a-yacht level rich or own a billion dollar company.

Perhaps I am just writing about this because I have often struggled with this idea. My dreams are not over-the-top huge, but they are my dreams and I think they matter. I used to believe that if I didn’t want those big things that I wasn’t ambitious enough and therefore, wasn’t as valuable. I also figure that if I’ve struggled with those thoughts a lot, someone else out there probably has too.

So I’m saying to you (and myself) that your goals and dreams are enough. Work hard toward your goals and stay grounded to the values you hold dear and know that is a life well lived.

Last night I spent some time baking cookies for the staff at my husband’s office. The management team decided to fill stockings for the staff with different small goodies for each week of December. When my husband was brainstorming ideas for the stockings, I suggested that I could bake cookies and he could add them in with a few other items.

It took me longer than I thought last night, and I ended up making a second batch because I hadn’t planned things out well and was short a few cookies the first time. But it felt good to do something I knew would benefit someone else. Baking a few holiday cookies is such a small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but it reminded me of another area of growth where I could certainly put in some practice.

Giving.

So often we think of giving as it relates to money. We might give money to our church or charity or even to the guy begging on the street. But there are so many other ways to give. We can give with our time or our talents as well, and with these, the possibilities are endless.

I recently read a story of a young man who bought and tailored suits for other young men in low-income communities who didn’t have funds for a suit for job interviews. His dedication has helped thousands, as his company now provides clothing and mentoring to young men as they begin to enter the workforce.

For a time, I volunteered my time to visit with the elderly. Often these were people who had few friends or family nearby and were appreciative for someone to just sit and talk to. When I was in a college choir, we would go to different locations, including schools, nursing homes, and churches; we would always have people come up after our concerts and tell us that our singing had moved them.

Some people like being out front and center and some prefer to be behind the scenes. Some feel they can contribute most effectively with money and others with time. You can give in whatever way moves your spirit, but I think the important part is to simply find a way to give back. When we stop to look at how we can give back to our family or friends or community, we take the focus off ourselves for a few minutes and that is important. Not only does it feel good to give in service to others, but it creates a beautiful habit whereby we can contribute to making this world a better place that grows with each person we touch.

Have you ever noticed how when you step it up in one area, other areas seem to suffer? Or is that just me?

Since starting this 30-day writing challenge on November 23rd, I’ve only missed two days of posting, meaning I have written 15 blog posts in the past 17 days. I am proud of myself for sticking with it, even though I stumbled (twice) and even though I do feel like half my posts are completely sub-par. I am still striving toward the goal I set out for myself and that feels good.

But, since starting this writing challenge, I have only worked out a few times. Usually, I like to work out a few times a week, even if it is only for 25 minutes. Writing has become my top priorities and somehow, a few other priorities have slipped in to replace my workouts. It is so easy for this to happen because I lose focus. Suddenly, instead of doing I workout (usually at home these days), I find myself attending to other necessities.

I continue to examine my strategies (or lack of strategy) and look for ways to improve them. I am still trying to find a system that works best for my life now. I can’t control how long my kids sleep and I don’t desire to be completely exacting in how long we do each task each day, but this means that I don’t have the same level of structure I had before kids.

As discouraging as it feels to keep stumbling and fumbling my priorities, I keep telling myself that the most important thing is to get back up after a fall. Even if I fall a thousand times, I always have the choice to get back up and try again.

When you fall, remember that tomorrow is a new day.

My whole life, I’ve been very sensitive. I cry at the touching scenes in movies. I get emotional when I listen to stories that are inspiring. I also get my feelings hurt–far too easily–over perceived (and sometimes real) wrongs committed against me.

I keep reiterating this because I believe it is true–we are all born with certain gifts or talents. Some we develop and improve upon because we discover from a young age that we are good at them, and some are left to collect dust on the shelf (until a time that we hopefully rediscover and utilize them). But our gifts and natural talents are all different. I think some of our greatest strengths can be weaknesses if we aren’t careful, which is why self-awareness is important.

My sensitivity is, I believe, a strength. My sensitivity makes me empathetic and understanding and kind-hearted. When I was younger, all my friends used to come to me for a listening ear and advice and I was eager to be a support for them.

This same trait has, at times, been a huge weakness. It was my overly sensitive nature that couldn’t handle the discovery that my college boyfriend cheated on me and spiraled me into a dark depression for some time. It was my sensitivity that many times got in the way of me speaking my mind to someone, for fear of being rejected. It has been my sensitivity that caused many fights with my husband, especially in the early years of our relationship, because I read into things he said or just outright twisted his words.

As I’ve become older, I recognize that any of the talents or skills we possess have the power to help or hurt us. We get to choose every day how to use the talents and gifts we possess, and I believe the more we harness them for good, the stronger the good will become and the less power the dark side of those strengths will have over us.

I was talking to my sister over the weekend when I noticed something that I have a tendency to do too often. I talk too much. When I start talking on subjects I like (and I have many), I can cover a lot of ground quickly–and then often circle back and go over it again. We were talking about money and I was energetically talking when I realized that I had taken over the conversation and hadn’t given my sister a chance to say anything for a little while.

We all struggle with different issues and concerns but it can sometimes be hard to even know where our weaknesses lie. For years, I don’t think I realized that my love of talking could cost something. Unfortunately, it cost me the opportunity to listen to people, and it cost me the chance to make others feel heard in a welcoming and empathetic space.

I always thought I was both empathetic and a good listener, but my desire to talk about my own interests or issues often outweighed those traits and I didn’t even realize it. Even if you think you have special gifts or skills in a certain area, it is a good idea to check in with yourself on occasion to see if other things are overshadowing those gifts.

Sometimes, I have to step back and make a real-time course corrections, which is what I did when talking to my sister this weekend. After finishing my thought, I was intentional about asking her some questions regarding the topic at hand, and then I made a specific effort to listen and respond to her thoughts. It felt better to feel like it was a dialogue and exchange of ideas rather than a monologue.

Like everything else I talk about here, it is a work in progress. Self awareness is a part of this equation though, and if we aren’t intentional about understanding ourselves, it will be harder to improve ourselves.

My youngest sister and I were looking at homes online today. Sometimes we like scrolling through pictures of different properties and gathering ideas for what we would like in a new home. With prices being what they are today, I don’t think my husband and I will be moving any time soon, but it is still fun to look and dream. For example, I would love to have a walk-in pantry or a bathtub in which the water will cover my entire body when I sit normally (because even when I scrunch in and contort my body, I still have major parts that are left out in the cold in my current bathtub).

But I also found it interesting that I struggled with conflicting feelings as I scrolled through the pictures of these homes. On one hand, I think it would be awesome to have the money to consider homes well above the million dollar mark. On the other hand though, some part of my brain sees that desire as selfish and negative.

Our culture promotes the idea that bigger is better. Faster is better. More is better. I think this can be a dangerous way to think. If we think we can only be happy after we buy a bigger house or a faster car or another new purse, we set ourselves up for trouble. It is so important to appreciate what we have and it is hard to do that if we are only focused on what we want next.

I believe in an abundance mindset, though, where you embrace the idea that you are capable of creating more through consistent effort. Obtaining things or creating experiences is not negative or bad. We are able to create a life tailored to our desires when we have an abundance of money; we are able to decrease our stressful; and we are also able to help others.

I am still trying to find the best balance in this area of money and desire, but I suppose it is within the conflict of feelings that growth is able to happen. It is within the space of feeling uncomfortable that we can challenge ourselves to think about new ideas and perspectives and figure out what we truly believe.

At the end of the day though, two principles hold true.

1. Always be grateful for what you have.
2. Always be learning and growing.

This morning my husband commented, “I hate Christmas shopping. It takes too much time.” I had to agree that it is time-consuming and it is stressful. We actually have a small pool of people to buy gifts for, comparatively speaking, but it is still the same old story. For some people, like his grandma, it is hard to buy for because she doesn’t ever express a strong desire for anything particular. When my husband asks his mom what his grandma might want, she doesn’t have many ideas either. “Just get her some lotion or scratchers,” she will offer. “She doesn’t really care about gifts.”

For kids of course, it is the opposite. Once they reach an age to understand Christmas, they want everything. I have eight nieces and nephews and there is no problem buying for them, but how many new Nerf guns does a kid really need?

And then you have my husband. He is very particular and I have often given him gifts that he ends up returning or exchanging. Now, I would much rather he do this than keep something he doesn’t like or won’t use, but over the years I’ve come to dread looking for his gifts because I worry they will never be quite right. In all reality, he has often told me to not worry about buying him any gifts, but I feel happy when I am able to find a special gift for those I love. I don’t want to give thoughtlessly, but it seems harder and harder to find amazing gifts because most of us have all that we need and much of what we want.

Ultimately though, what I’m trying to say is that we place too much focus on the gifts at Christmas time. It is wonderful when we can find a special gift that someone will appreciate, but when we feel pressured to find the perfect gift for everyone we know at a specific time of year, it’s no wonder we stress.

I love Christmas, but I think it should be a time when we focus on the most important things in our lives–like family and time together. One of my sisters suggested that this year we spend a little extra time with the nieces and nephews creating some memorable experiences with them and I love that. If you think back to special moments in your life, it is much more likely many of those moments are related to experiences rather than things.

May we all find the opportunity to create some beautiful memories this season!

So how did I do with No Whining Friday? Well, I woke up feeling good. As I mentioned in my previous post, my daughter slept through the night for one of the first times so I had just over six hours of sleep. I think a good night of sleep can go a long way in keeping a healthy attitude.

I took a long walk with my kids and we stopped at a park so my son could play on the slides. (And my daughter napped–will wonders never cease?!) We had lunch, we ran to the store, and I put them both down for a nap in the afternoon. No major mishaps or meltdowns.

I feel like I need to note this because it was actually an easy day as far as they usually go for me. While I am proud of the fact that I made a conscience effort to think positive thoughts, it feels much easier to do that when everything goes smoothly. It is much harder when any number of things go in a way you didn’t intend them to go.

When my husband got home from work and he asked how my day was, I said simply, “It was good,” and thought about how often I have answered that question by filling him in on any frustrating moment that occurred that day.

Twice, I found myself feeling annoyed in the moment and intentionally pulling myself back from a trip down a negative path. Once was when I had just pulled into a parking space at Fry’s and stepped out of the car to get my son out of his seat. I was just rounding the back of the car when a big truck pulled into the space next to me, hugging the line on his left-hand side. Inside, I wanted to curse because I knew I would have a difficult time maneuvering my son out of the car with this monstrosity parked so close.

But then I stepped back from my frustration and decided to shift my perspective. This wasn’t happening to me, where the driver was personally out to annoy me or be inconsiderate, although that it what it felt like for a split second. This was just something that happened, period. He parked too close to my car and I would need to adjust.

Quite often, I’ve found myself in such a situation where my irritability lingers. Yesterday, reminding myself that it was No Whining Friday helped bring me back from negative feelings that might have remained and clouded my mood.

Ultimately, I know that some days will be much easier than others. Yesterday was a good day for me. But it does make me question: Was it a good day because nothing went terribly wrong or was it a good day because I resolved to have a good attitude about the day despite what might happen? I think it was a little of both. And this brings me back to the main thread of what I believe helps us grow–work on improving our thoughts and controlling our minds and we have power over our lives. Not over what happens in our life, but in how we handle the unexpected that does happen.

First of all, I would like to report that my daughter slept through the night. Yay! This has only ever happened about three other times since she has been born so it was a treat for me.

I must admit, waking up multiple times a night for months on end with both my son and daughter has been a hard task for me. While I recognize that it is completely normal for babies to do this (although I know three women close to me who had easy babies that were sleeping through the night by four months of age–can I hate them just a little for this?), I have struggled to keep a good attitude about it. Since my son was born in January 2020, I have only slept through the night a handful of times, because by the time he was sleeping through the night, my daughter was almost here and the process started all over again.

About a week ago, I woke up to my daughter crying. It was around 2am and was already the third time I was up with her that night. And I’ll admit it–I cried too. As I sat there and fed her, I cried because I was so exhausted. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I felt like a failure. I cried because I felt shame at my own anger.

And then I listened to a podcast where Jocko was interviewing Jonathan Kim (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yujP3-AxXsI). If you haven’t listened to a Jocko podcast, I would encourage you to do so. He was exactly my age–37–and he has been a Navy SEAL, a medical doctor, and now an astronaut. (It definitely makes me question my life choices but that’s a different blog post.) The story is so inspiring and incredible. Kim went through abuse and trauma as a child, then went on to do extraordinary things and his perspective and philosophy on life and purpose is amazing.

This is why I believe focusing on positive, inspiring stories is so important–they have the ability to lift us up and encourage us to aim higher in our own lives. I hold on to these stories in those moments of frustration and weakness to remind myself that I can push through the hard moments. Comparison can be a dangerous game, but I think it can be good to remind myself that life can and does throw people much greater challenges than waking up with a baby multiple times a night–and when those greater challenges come, I want to be able to face them with courage and strength. If I can’t meet the small challenges with strength, how can I face the big ones?

Growth is about a process and we all start from a different place. But when you are feeling low and overwhelmed, I would encourage you to find inspiring stories and inspiring moments from your own life to help push you through. This has helped me immensely.