Journey to Great

How do you keep pushing forward when you encounter challenges? More pointedly, how do you push forward with a strong outlook and positive attitude when you encounter challenges?

This question plagues me often because even though I am not currently faced with horrible challenges–like homelessness or the death of a loved one–I do have challenging moments to face every single day. I would venture to guess that we all do.

Sometimes, I’ve compared my life to someone else when trying to buck myself up. I’ll think, “Gosh, at least I don’t have a husband who cheated on me like so and so.” Or, “Well, I am grateful that I actually like my in-laws, unlike so and so.” The comparison might also come in a slightly different way, such to make myself feel guilty for getting frustrated at anything in my life. For example, I know a woman whose ten-year-old son has suffered from seizures most of his life. When I think of her, I berate myself for getting frustrated when my little ones aren’t sleeping well (like when my daughter was up last night from 3:30 to 5:30) or when it seems like their tantrums are becoming more frequent. I’ll think, “My kids are healthy and don’t suffer from seizures. How can I complain about not having time to myself or getting up in the middle of the night?”

Honestly, I think we all play the comparison game from time to time. It’s a natural human tendency but it’s one I think we would all do well to fight against.

Ultimately, we all have struggles. We don’t need to feel guilty if we aren’t suffering from a hardship that someone else is going through; and on the flip side, we shouldn’t feel jealous if we are presented with challenges that our best friend doesn’t experience.

It is in the challenges and hardships that our true characters are tested and we are left to either shrink or grow. When we choose growth, we are choosing to strengthen our characters.

Putting effort into developing a strong mindset is one of the best ways we can prepare ourselves for challenges. I have experienced the power of this in my own life. But when the rubber meets the road, and when the mantras and meditation and therapy don’t work–when none of it makes us feel any better–the next step is to just put one foot in front of the other and determine to simply make it through. It doesn’t have to be pretty or pleasant.

Some nights in the early months with my daughter waking up over and over and me getting only a few hours of sleep, I would cry. Sometimes I would feel angry. And I think that is okay to let ourselves admit the negative emotions we are feeling. Sometimes that is part of what it takes to get through a difficult moment. What is important is to keep moving forward despite the struggle.

Remember, neither the rain nor the sunshine lasts forever.

Well, today is the end of my 20-minute-a-day writing challenge. There were three days I didn’t post and two days where I didn’t write at all. The challenge was a positive experience for me for three main reasons:

1. It pushed me to get more focused. I live in my head a lot, overthinking and overanalyzing rather than just doing. With this project, I was forced to get out of my head because I knew I had a short period of time in which to write. Granted, I did spend more than twenty minutes on the blog some days, but not much. And I knew that if I spent time thinking about what I wanted to write or trying to craft the perfect sentence, I would get pulled away by other responsibilities–usually, a baby waking up. With that heightened focus, I was able to actually sit down and start writing almost immediately each day.
2. It encouraged me to do more than I thought I could. I still often feel like I have no time beyond caring for my children and taking care of the home (and my housekeeping is far from perfect). I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to work on this project every day. But the old adage came to my mind many days during this experience: “If you want something done, ask a busy person.” While caring for my family is my number one priority, and it is a full-time job right now, this challenge reminded me that I can do more than I thought–it just takes effort and focus.
3. It increased my confidence in myself. Sometimes we need to push ourselves for the mere reminder that we can do more than we think we can. I have never had an over-abundance of confidence, which has hurt me in many ways over the years, but I have been working hard to see this as an area for improvement and growth. I used to think you were either confident or you weren’t, but confidence, like most things, is a skill we can grow. It is through challenges and triumphs (and sometimes even failures) that confidence grows.

As this challenge comes to a close, I am excited because I have a few other projects lined up. Through consistent dedication and a plan of action, I know I will be able to complete these new challenges as well.

I encourage you to think about something you’ve been wanting to do and break it down into bite-sized action steps, and then challenge yourself to do something every day for the next month to work on that passion. Even if you can’t complete the project in a month, you will absolutely come out the other side feeling encouraged and empowered by slow and steady progress–and hopefully, like me, you’ll have fun along the way!

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

What do we repeatedly do? If I take a minute to step back and examine my life, it is sobering. It is true that this is a period in my life where I have, by far, less time than I have ever had in my life. With two kids under two years old, it is a chaotic and messy time. I just don’t have the structure I used to have (or at least the structure I could have chosen to have–not that I was always structured).

I keep hearing from people that is the most labor-intensive time of parenting, and that in the coming years I will have more time. I won’t always have to change diapers and bathe and clothe my kids because eventually, they will be able to function independently. They will go to school. They will have activities that keep them occupied. But right now, it is me feeding them, it is me on the floor playing with them, it is me going to them when they cry. I attend to all of their needs–and they have a lot.

When I think about what I repeatedly did before my kids arrived though, I feel a bit sad, really. I realize how much time I frittered away and how very unfocused I was on pursuing my purpose.

Aristotle’s quote also makes me consider how I want to use my time going forward, because as much as I would like to redo certain parts of my life (wouldn’t most of us?), I can’t. And even though I don’t have the amount of time I used to, I realize that having time isn’t even the point of Aristotle’s thought.

We all have the same 24 hours in a day. What we do with that time varies widely from person to person. He is merely pointing out the fact that if we do something over and over, it will become a habit and that if we want to become excellent, we must practice excellent habits.

Therefore, even in my day–though it looks so different than it used to–I can create habits of excellence. I want my kids to get appreciate nature, so that means we go on walks as often as possible. I want them to learn to be responsible, so we pick up our toys every night before bed. (Of course, my son is only two next month but he has already learned work beside me or my husband as we gather the toys and put them in their designated bins at night.) I want my kids to be healthy and strong, so I focus on giving them healthy food.

All of these little things are habits (or habits in the making) and they are important. Sometimes it is easy to dismiss little things we do in our day as insignificant but it is in these small things that the bigger picture is created.

Two weeks from now, we will already be in a new year. As crazy as this seems, it makes me want to reflect on the year behind me and consider what I want the coming year to look like.

One of the audio books I just finished talks about thinking about your future and actually visualizing it because research shows that this is helpful. I’ve always had a problem with the idea that if you just think about a thing it will happen–I believe that we are all responsible for our choices and that is what helps shape our life into what it is (although obviously, things happen that are outside our choice). But this book noted that when we visualize what we want to happen in our lives, it helps us become intentional in our thoughts. The more intentional we are with our thoughts, the more clarity we have. The more clarity we have, the more we will seek out opportunities related to our vision. The more opportunities we seek out, the more opportunities comes. And thus it goes. It is not that we had a thought–“I want to be rich” or “I want to write a book”–and the thought magically became real life.

Choosing what you want for your future can feel like a bit more work in the moment, perhaps. It means not just going with the flow, right here, right now. But it is completely worth it.

It is a step-by-step process that begins with a single step. New Year’s Eve is when hundreds of thousands of people make new resolutions because they recognize they want something to change in their lives. But only a fraction of those people actually make those resolutions a reality. Perhaps most of us are still secretly hoping that enough dreaming will propel those resolutions forward, but they won’t. That happens with bite-sized action steps.

As this new year approaches, I encourage you to visualize what you want to feel and accomplish by the end of 2022. And then, take some time to work backwards as you consider what it will take to get to those feelings and accomplishments. What actions steps will you have to take to make sure you get to that place you want to be in a year?

One thing I try to remind myself of often is that the world is going to continue moving one way or another. I can either strive to do the things I want to do or give up. Time is marching on either way.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast that was discussing resilience and one thing the host said was that she was grateful for the hardships she had experienced as a child because it helped her develop toughness. While it is hard for any of us to welcome difficult situations, we will all be faced with them. Over and over again I am struck by the realization that it is how we view and respond to a situation that will determine whether or not we can grow from it.

I was blessed to have a wonderful home life growing up. I didn’t experience instability or abuse or a negative environment. For that, I am eternally grateful to my incredible parents, and I strive to offer my own children the same stable, loving, positive environment I experienced.

At the same time, I don’t want to shield them from every misfortune and hardship that comes their way. I want them to grow into strong individuals who know how to work through difficult situations and deal with difficult people.

Despite the wonderful home life I had, I didn’t develop a huge amount of resilience in my early years. It is still something I am working to develop now, and I think that is, in part, because I didn’t understand how to find the chance for growth in pain and fear and difficulty. Whether it was dealing with a painful breakup, career setbacks, lack of money, personal disappointments, or any other host of issues I’ve faced (and I’m sure we have all faced at one time or another), time and again, I missed the opportunity to scrutinize these periods with a critical eye and learn from them.

Unfortunately, it took until my thirties to begin to really grasp this concept, but I say better late than never. While the best time to start something was five, eight, ten years ago, as the saying goes, the next best time is today.

So the next time you are faced with a disappointment or difficulty, I encourage you to step back from it and allow yourself to search for the growth opportunities. It is absolutely not easy, but it is critical to growth. And like I said, something that helped me was to realize the simple fact that hardships will come to all of us regardless of whether or not we are prepared. I want to practice resilience so I can be better prepared to face those hard times when they come.

Yesterday I mentioned doing a money cleanse, where you go for a period of time–often two days or longer–without spending any money whatsoever. It started me thinking about my money habits. Of course, it is so easy to form bad habits for anything and takes much more concentrated effort to form good habits, but I do think there are ways to make the formation of good habits a bit easier.

For a few months now, I have been drinking a lot of decaf coffees and refreshers when I go out. (Who doesn’t like the indulgence of Starbucks?) I’ve enjoyed coffee out for years but recently it became a bad habit because I felt like I couldn’t regulate myself at all.

Then, just yesterday I realized that I haven’t spent any money on drinks in ten days now.

How did that happen when in the previous three months, I was buying at least three or four drinks a week (often more)?

First of all, I will say that I still did have a few drinks out, but each one was free. I had built up a free Starbucks drink, which I shared with my husband on Sunday; and as a rewards member at Dunkin’, I receive a free coffee every Monday. The thing is, I have been getting rewards during the previous three months in which I still bought numerous other drinks each week. So what was the difference?

I was curious to examine the difference with the hope of harnessing it to keep myself in a better habit loop. What I discovered were a few small shifts.

First of all, it was not just about the coffee (or refresher) itself. With habits that start to feel out of control, it is an indication that something else is off kilter in your life.

After having my son, it took me months to start feeling like I was in charge of my life again, and the same thing happened with my daughter. But in July and August, I was still not there. I was struggling with her sleep at night and her naps during the day. I was exhausted constantly and overwhelmed much of the time.

One thing that helped me relax a little bit was to get out of the house, even if it was just for a drive. Even though it felt like an ordeal just to get both little ones in the car, I started going out almost every day. It made me feel normal again.

Second of all, it was around this time that Dunkin’ Donuts started doing promotions and giving members free coffee every Monday. Another promotion was to give a free drink if you purchased at least three drinks in a week’s time.

Suddenly, I was out every day and I was also enticed with rewards for buying something I already wanted.

It is so easy to get pulled into bad habits, and usually so hard to get rid of them. But with this habit, I noticed that my buying decreased when the second promotion went away. Suddenly, I noticed how much I spent on drinks when I didn’t have a free one at the end of every week. Also, as I’ve gained more equilibrium in my life again as my daughter has gotten a few months older, I don’t feel as overwhelmed. I don’t feel as much need to get out every day. I have also replaced that habit with taking long walks with the kids every day.

Sometimes, what we need to drop a habit is one small tweak. While it’s certainly not that simple all the time, finding ways to place more distance between you and a bad habit can make a huge difference.

I’ve been listening to a lot of audio books lately. Since I don’t have as much time as I used to do read, it is a wonderful way to make room for my book cravings because I listen as I washing dishes or cleaning or breastfeeding my daughter. But a few weeks ago, I was also able to go to the library with both my babies and check out a few hard copy books, which I have been reading or skimming where I have time.

One book, in particular, has been especially enjoyable–The One Page Financial Plan by Carl Richards. It is fun and easy to digest, but one suggestion that stuck out to me is to go on a spending cleanse. He suggests it both as a way to get back on the right financial track but also as a way to really see where you are spending money and examine your money habits.

I love this idea… in theory… but it is actually hard to do! Of course, we all know that doing the hard things are usually better for us. Choose Coke or water with every lunch? Well, most people would prefer the taste of Coke but we all know that water is better for us. We also recognize (logically) that spending mindlessly, even on small purchases, will throw us off track with our financial goals, but we often to it anyway. We rationalize and we compartmentalize.

What I appreciate about this suggestion to try a money cleanse is that Richards doesn’t insist that it has to be anything extreme. Even if it is just one or two days where you buy absolutely nothing, it is worth it to try the experiment. Sometimes we need to set up something very intentional, like a two-day money cleanse, to begin us down a road toward better money habits.

Even though it is the holiday season and a time when I’m usually buying more, I am going to set up two days this month where I buy nothing. In fact, this experiment is probably all the better to do in a month where it is far too easy to buy left and right without thinking.

Oh, I forgot a stocking stuffer for Aunt June. And while I’m at it, I guess I can buy another one for my dad–he usually doesn’t have quite as many gifts as everyone else.

That outfit is so cute–maybe I can buy just one more gift for my baby girl. (No matter that she already has two gifts under the tree and she is only nine months old.)

As Richards says, “[T]his approach can help you cut out the nonessentials and get crystal clear about how you really want to spend your money and time. It may seem extreme, but it can shock you out of a rut you may have been in without even knowing it.”

I encourage you to try this challenge and see what it does for you. What might you discover about yourself, your habits, and your money? I’ll complete my challenge and let you know how it went for me.

So I have been working on this 20-minute-a-day challenge for three weeks now. It has been more difficult than I expected for a number of reasons.

1. Some days it’s been hard to come up with ideas to write about, especially when I have confined myself to a short writing time.
2. While most days, I look forward to writing, some days I just don’t feel motivated.
3. Posting after writing for just 20 minutes (sometimes I do write a little longer, but not much) makes the quality of the writing suffer and I don’t feel good about that.

Ultimately, I am glad I did this because it is good to take on new challenges, even if for a short time. It changes the status quo in our lives. It pushes us to look at things differently. Sometimes it can lead to new habits or hobbies or an improved mindset or awareness.

This challenge is pushing me to examine my writing goals. It is challenging me to ask why–why I want to pursue blogging and writing in general. It is also pushing me to examine the weaknesses in my writing and challenging me to find ways to improve those weaknesses.

The great thing with creating a goal is that when we are in the midst of attacking it, we can always course correct if necessary. Most importantly, you can learn from the goals you created when you start pursuing them. You can learn about yourself. But when you create a goal and do nothing, it will remain this perfect ideal in your head.

I want to continue to create new challenges for myself because I realize that is where the growth is. This write-every-day challenge hasn’t created any masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination, but it has generated new ideas and created stepping stones, pushing me forward into new goals. And that is worth celebrating.

Sometimes it can be hard to share our dreams with others. We fear what they are going to say and if it is going to be negative. We worry about how others will perceive the very nature of our dreams and whether it is a worthwhile pursuit. I have spent my entire life caring a little too much about what other people think. I am sensitive to criticism and ultimately even feedback that is simply constructive. It is something I am working on, but it’s not easy.

Unfortunately, when we place too much value on the opinions of others–or even the perceived opinions of others–it leads us to question ourselves and focus on doubts rather than possibilities. We lose trust in our own natural intuition and it decreases our confidence.

Sometimes, we give up on our dreams altogether because of what someone said about that dream.

I know some people who say you should shout your goals and dreams from the rooftops because that will create accountability. While I understand the reasoning behind this thought, I don’t always agree with it because telling the wrong person about your goals and dreams could have a devastating affect on your confidence.

Facing criticism and negative feedback is a reality we all need to learn to get used to because inconsiderate and negative people are a fact of life. But while you are in the process of building up the courage to embrace your own dreams, it might be wise to use caution sharing them with just anyone, especially if you are of a sensitive nature and will be easily discouraged by naysayers.

I have an idea for a book that I am teasing out right now but I have decided not to tell anyone in my close circle about it quite yet. After I’ve developed the ideas a bit more, perhaps I will. As important as it is to avoid becoming overwhelmed by naysayers, it is also important to find people who will encourage you and push you and share in your dreams.

One practical bit of advice I got from someone was to tease out your goal until you can give a 60-second elevator pitch (honestly, I didn’t know what elevator pitch meant at the time, but it is simply a quick, concrete overview of your plan or goal) and then you can start sharing it.

This helped me because I realized that my dreams or goals are often too vague and need further refining. Even those who want us to succeed will be more likely to raise objections or skeptical questions if the goal isn’t concrete or you aren’t sure of it.

Take one goal you have–the one you are most excited about–and spend a few minutes today writing down how you can tighten and refine it. And remember that you will encounter those who think your dreams are not worth pursuing. Hold tightly to them and work on believing in yourself by refining them and working toward them a little each day.

Spend more time focusing on your dreams than the voices of others and eventually those voices will fade under the power of your own belief and action.

I wrote a few days ago about dreams and how it is okay if they are not billion-dollar dreams. It is worth following up with this thought: Even the smallest acts can be significant and purposeful so we would do well to focus on those. It is easy to get caught up in this concept of bigger is better, but just realize that you can never get to big if you don’t start small.

If your dream is to build a billion-dollar company, I wish you great success.

If your dream is to make an income writing children’s book part time, I wish you great success.

Ultimately, one dream is not better than the other. Beyond that, I think it is important for us to remember that the “smaller” of these two dreams can be as valuable and impactful as the bigger dream. In society today, it can be easy to confuse monetary gains with value and this is where I want to push back. A large company with high profitability is certainly providing a service, and hopefully that service is creating lasting value for people. But even a single person can create lasting value, even if it is only in the life of one other single person.

Say you are the one with the dream to write children’s books in your spare time. You might end up writing and publishing twenty children’s books over the course of ten years and selling one-hundred thousand copies. You might profit twenty thousand dollars a year for those ten years. But you may also never know that one of the kids who picked up your book read it over and over. It became his favorite book. It kept him company when the violent fights erupted between his parents some nights. It pushed him to realize that possibilities existed beyond the unstable life he experienced. It was the book he pulled out of his drawer one night as a teenager when he thought about ending things, and it was what pulled him back from the brink. That book helped him think differently about his life and hold on to the hope that things could be different for him. That belief helped him grow up to become a successful businessman who went on to make millions and create a charity that helped thousands of young people improve their lives.

This scenario is just an example of how one person or one book or one act can create tremendous value. Don’t underestimate your power to make a difference. Don’t buy into the idea that you have to create something that is huge to be successful or valuable or impactful.

If your goal is to add value to the world in some way, you will win even if you help one person. That person might go on to help thousands of other people. Each contribution to creating a better world is valuable and is never wasted.