What is your identity? Recently, a good friend and I have had a few discussions about our self-identity and how influential that identity can be in the choices we make. Sometimes we might not be aware of how we came to this sense of identity though, and I am a big believer in trying to understand the whys behind what we do and how we think. It can be detrimental to our life journey if we don’t.
So, who are you? Some people might not be as clear about their sense of identity as others, but if I told you to fill in the blank on the following question, what would you say: “I am ______________.”
Personally, for years if someone asked me that question, I would say, “I am a writer.” That was my strongest identity of myself.
When I was a teenager, I identified as a writer because I wrote all the time and had a dream of becoming a famous writer. But when I got into college and then after I left and life continued on, I wrote less and less and less. Over time, I identified as a writer less and less, and this is because I lost the courage to believe I could make it as a true writer, as a well-published author.
I let my fears hold me back from pursuing who I really wanted to be and that created conflict and unhappiness in my life. I took a job proofreading legal documents, which I didn’t enjoy or find fulfilling. Sometimes I would write in my spare time but not consistently. I let my identity slip farther and farther from me until I practically lost it altogether.
It was an unhealthy pattern of behavior that led to me often feeling adrift and discouraged with the course of my life. Even as things in other areas improved as I hit my thirties, I still felt this nagging sense that something was missing from my life. I was missing purpose.
My friend, on the other hand, has always locked her identity into her work. She would reply to the above question with this answer: “I am a hard worker.” She has been working full time since her early teens and she grew up with the conviction that it was incredibly important to be useful and to help out in her family’s business. It doesn’t matter the exact work she is doing per se, but what matters most to her is that she is working hard and pushing herself to give 110% on the job, always.
Lately though, this identity has been creating friction in her work-life balance and she is questioning what steps to take to bring that balance back into alignment with her biggest priorities.
When we are at our best, who we identify as will be what we spend our time doing—but only if we have the courage to believe in ourselves. For years, I was too afraid to step into my identity and my friend was too afraid to step back from her identity.
The greatest discovery I made over time was this: we can choose our identity—our identity does not choose us. Yes, there are a few people who, like me, knew from a young age what they wanted to do with their lives (and there are a few who actually live out that identity in adulthood, unlike I did throughout my twenties), but the realization that really freed me was the fact that I could choose to change my self-identity.
I had to take a look at my life and ask the hard question: Do I still want to be a writer? And if so, why? Yes, I had that dream at thirteen years old, but I am no longer thirteen years old. People change, interests change, goals change. And that is okay.
None of us should try to force ourselves into identities that no longer align with our core values, desires, and goals. But we also shouldn’t shy away from who we want to be because we are afraid of failure.
I find it interesting that my friend and I came at this concept of self-identity in such different ways. I kept pushing farther away from my sense of identity and that caused me to feel adrift and disappointed; she clings very hard to her sense of identity but that has caused her to feel overwhelmed at work and unable to be fully present in some other areas of her life.
It is very possible that you haven’t experienced either extreme, but chances are you have experienced a struggle with your self-identity at some point in your life. We humans tend to have a hard time making good choices that will lead to us creating a fully fulfilling life for ourselves. Usually, we sabotage ourselves in one way or another.
I want to examine some of the pitfalls that can come with us focusing too much on identity.
- We don’t have the courage to pursue the identity and goals we believe will make us happy. Example: I’m not good enough to become a real writer or I’m not smart enough to become an attorney.
- We are worried about what people will think or say about us. Example: She used to be a financial planner making six figures and now she is a travel writer making a third of that—what is she doing?
- We do something because of family pressure. Example: My dad was a doctor so I need to become a doctor and follow in the family footsteps.
Or perhaps we don’t even know why we do what. For example, some people choose a major in college, get a job in that field and don’t really even question if they are experiencing joy in that field until they are already five or ten years down the road.
I think it is important to ask ourselves when our sense of identity has helped move us forward, but also when it has hindered us and held us back.
Are there certain aspects of your identity that you cling to that might be unhealthy? It could be that you identify as a procrastinator or as overweight or as disorganized. These probably all fall into the category of a sub-identity (though perhaps not), but they are just as important to examine.
They ways in which we identify ourselves and relate to ourselves are incredible important. If you see yourself as overweight or disorganized as a person, you will make choices that align with that identity and you will never change that image or the behavior that got you to the place of being overweight or disorganized in the first place.
I’ve heard many people use phrases like, “Well, that’s just who I am” or “I’ve always been that way” and I’ve used them many times myself. But these phrases are tied to our self-identity and we actually have the power to change our identity.
Most of the makeup of our lives is comprised of choices. Choices that we make over and over again until some of those choices feel like a part of who we are. Some have been happening so long that we don’t remember when they started.
If you identity yourself as overweight and say to yourself, “This is just who I am,” I would encourage you to examine the choices that brought you to that mindset. Were you fed too much unhealthy food from a young age? Did you start stress eating as a teenager when that boy you liked was mean to you? Did you overeat in college because you felt like you could get away with it and only packed on the pounds after you got married and had two kids and now it feels impossible to lose them?
There is a transition where our choices eventually become the identity we take on, which is why it is so important to examine our daily choices and parse out how they play into our sense of self.
Our minds are the most powerful tool we have and the mind is what shapes our thoughts about ourselves. We need to start asking ourselves not who we are at this moment but who we want to be. We can choose to become anyone.
You can choose to become a cyclist even if you haven’t been on a bike in twenty-five years.
You can choose to become a writer even if you have never written in your life.
You can choose to become a stellar gardener even if you have never owned a single plant in your life.
It is a choice. You can start making new choices today to become a new person.
Take a few minutes today and find a quiet place to think. Ask yourself who you want to be. Ask yourself what self-imposed identities are holding you back from becoming the best version of yourself. We can each choose who we will become, and that means the possibilities are endless.
