I am so grateful for the strong relationship I have with my parents, and for all the wisdom they imparted to me over the years (not that I always follow that wisdom). Knowing how many people have a poor, complicated, or nonexistent relationship with their parents, I recognize that having a solid, respectful, and loving relationship with my own is a beautiful gift.
One of the lessons they taught me was to not get too caught up in what other people think of me. Of course, it is natural that we want to be liked, and I would venture to say all of us want to avoid being actively disliked where possible, but when that is of utmost important, it is a problem. That desire to please others above all else, to fit in at all costs, is destructive and dangerous.
Growing up, my parents weren’t afraid to be different. My dad drove the same car for twenty-five years, even long after he could have bought a new one. My mom always dressed conservatively, even though it sometimes brought her perhaps a bit of extra attention (such as people asking her questions about her choice of clothing). Because of their religious beliefs, my parents didn’t allow my sisters and me to participate in certain activities on Saturday, despite the ribbing I’m sure they received from some people in their social circles. As their commitment to their faith deepened, they no longer attended certain family functions on my dad’s side because some of those functions involved lots of alcohol and gambling, things my parents chose to remove from their lives.
All of these choices sometimes made them the target of questions, judgment, and even distain, but both of my parents are strong individuals who know their minds and their values. They were willing to endure teasing and comments and questions from friends and family; they were even willing to accept it when some people tried to sway them from their beliefs or even pushed away from them because of those beliefs.
When I was younger, I wanted to fit in. But as I got older, I recognized the strength and courage it took my parents to stay true to their own personal principles and it made me want to strive for the same thing in my life. When you stop caring about what other people think of you, you experience freedom. It means you can be happy even without the approval of others. I saw both of my parents walk through life with a kind of unflappable sense of self, a quiet but deep strength.
It isn’t bad to want others to like you, or to hope others approve of you. We are all hardwired for some sense of community, and that can’t come without connection. But the key is to first learn to like and approve of yourself. If you are living out your core values and principles, you will draw others to you. Not everyone, mind you, but those who will truly appreciate you for who you are and not something they want you to be. Those are the kind of people you want in your life anyway.
So before you spend too much time focused on what other people might think of what you wear or where you live or how you spend your time, remember to take some time and figure out what you really want to wear and where you want to live and how you want to spend your time. Connect with yourself and make sure you are embracing your values, and then you will naturally begin to care a little less what other people think of you.
I don’t need to be that person who is ready to give the bird to anyone who doesn’t accept me. I need to be the person who lives my life with quiet confidence in my values and choices.
Spend your time focused on why you do what you do and the rest of the noise — people judging and dissecting your choices — will fade. And I will argue that we will all be healthier and happier in the long run.
